Once more down the rabbit hole

We had our follow up yesterday and it went a lot better than I expected.  Dr. S was his usual positive self and gave us a lot of hope.  He started off by showing images of my halfling uterus from the HSG and MRI.  With my one tube being clear Dr. S feels that having a UU will not impact my ability to get pregnant.  The risks are more on the side of staying pregnant, specifically the risks of miscarriage and preterm labor.  Dr. S had put a call in for the MRI radiologist to get clarification on the small rudimentary horn they found.  As long as it is not communicating there will be no need to remove it. 

The prolactin draw last week showed my levels had climbed from 34 to 54.  Dr. S surmises that it is the cause of my irregular cycles.  Tonight I start on Parlodel to try and get my levels down.  In five weeks I'll get blood work done to see if it's working.  The most fun news was that I have to go back for another MRI, this time for my pituitary gland.  They need to make sure there aren't any tumors, which could be causing the elevated levels of prolactin.  Fun fact, the pituitary gland sits right above where the optic nerves cross.  If the tumors grow too large it can actually damage the nerves and cause blindness.

For the time being Dr. S wants us to try on our own.  He feels we could have success once my prolactin regulates.  If the MRI finds something or the repeat blood work shows the Parlodel isn't working we'll discuss other options.  If everything comes back normal and my cycles still do not regulate in two months we'll start discussing Clomid.  Dr. S wants to avoid using any fertility drugs if possible due to the heightened risk of multiples.  At that point we will also revisit my possible lining issues and do the biopsy if needed.

I am very tired.  With this month being the one year mark of my BFP and subsequent loss, confirmation of my UU, and things getting crazier at work I am feeling really defeated.  After losing our poppy seed I was confident I'd be pregnant with our rainbow before the EDD or at the very least before hitting the anniversary of the loss.  Now here we are and I am honestly scared.  What if it's all for nothing?  What if I never have a successful pregnancy?  I want to believe our rainbow is out there.  I want to believe that I'll get to tell my UU success story someday soon.  

     

Keep it together Wolf

With only two hours left in the day and our big appointment tomorrow morning my attention span has plummeted.  My eyes instantly glaze over as I try to concentrate on my spreadsheets.  I have been good about staying away from Dr. Google though.  Just trying to make it to five o'clock and be somewhat productive.

 

Yesterday night was our weekly board game and bad movie night so that kept me very distracted.  We are usually a group of five that comprises of our friends P, C, A, Dave, and myself.  A was sick last night so our group was down to four, a perfect number for gaming.  We started off with a game of Gloom.

It's a wonderfully morbid card game that involves making your family of five very sad, then killing them.  The cards are hilarious and you are encouraged to get into the storytelling aspect of the game.  There are modifying cards that will make characters happy again and can be used to trip up your fellow players.  Dave ended up winning by a landslide.

The other game was Penny Arcade The Game: Rumble in R'lyeh.

It is a deck building card game based around the crazy world of Penny Arcade.  Everyone starts with a set amount of currency based on their character card.  With that you need to build your deck and gain the most victory points to win.  It is in the same vein as games like Dominion.  A must have for any Penny Arcade fans!

Our background movies were quite horrible.  First up was Blubberella, a wacky movie by Uwe Boll about a large half vampire heroine and her search for love and her love of killing Nazis.  It's absolutely horrible and ridiculous, but gave everyone a good laugh.  The second movie was Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury starring Kevin Sorbo and Danny Trejo.  Walked through by the director, this movie that was deemed too terrible to be released is riddled with interviews with the actors and weird frame rates.  The premise of the story is Kevin Sorbo as a Vietnam Vet whose friend is killed right before the war ends.  Sorbo takes up his friend's dream of owning a pool cleaning business and proceeds to have a turf war with the Mexicans in his home town.  This was possibly more ridiculous than Blubberella, but the strange frame rates did hurt the eyes after a while.

CD 2

The heavy bleeding started yesterday signaling the end of cycle #17.  It was my longest cycle to date at 47 days.  I am relieved it is over and had thought the timing of CD 1 was perfect.  We have our follow up with Dr. S on Wednesday so he would have the results of CD 3 (Tuesday) testing for our appointment.  I called the office to report the start of my period, left a message, and promptly missed the call back from the nurse about 30 minutes later.  Her message stated that she would talk to Dr. S about the plan of action and call me back tomorrow.

By 3:30 today I was losing my mind.  Why hadn't they called back?  I finally broke down and called.  Luckily I got my favorite receptionist, Joy, and she quickly hunted down the nurse.  The nurse was on the line with another patient, but Joy got all of the information.  Dr. S. would possibly do the ultrasound and blood work during our appointment on Wednesday.

Now I am really anxious for our meeting and what will be discussed.  Why wouldn't he want to check my lining or Prolactin level before Wednesday?  

Another dream

I had another vivid dream last night about having a baby.  It was a little more disjointed than my previous dream.  In the beginning I was visiting with random people and walking around.  Suddenly I was with Dave in a hospital room recovering from a c-section.  He was holding our newborn daughter, looking very much the proud new dad.  I got up, realizing we had nothing purchased for the baby.  I told Dave that I would be back soon, I needed to buy a Rock and Play for her to sleep in.  She also needed some clothes, a Pack and Play, a crib, and cloth diapers.  Weird, I know.  The dream sort of fell apart after that and I woke up.

The biggest thing that stuck with me after the dream was our daughter's name.  Now, I am a huge planner and have a Google Doc filled with baby names.  It includes the meanings and a few first name and middle name combinations.  It is mostly a mix of Irish and Hebrew names to honor both of our cultures.  We don't want to use any family names, but there is one tradition I feel we could honor.  There is a family name that has been passed down on Dave's side.  I won't write the whole name, just the initials.  His father is I. D. III and Dave was nearly the IVth.  Dave's mom put her foot down on that one, saying she would sooner name him Bozo the Clown.  Dave's dad goes by a completely different nickname, but Dave's grandfather was called I. D.  I never got to meet I.D., but the stories I've heard paint the picture of a loving and devoted father.

Now, I have been trying to think of ways to honor this family tradition.  There is no way I am naming a son I. D. IV, but the names on the list for a daughter bring up an interesting possibility.  In the dream our newborn daughter's name was Isla Danielle.  It not only honors the tradition, but also honors Dave.  For now I'm really loving the name and it fit that beautiful baby girl so well.  We'll just have to wait and see, a lot of things can change from now until the time I actually get pregnant.  My favorite names for boys have hit a steady plateau, but names for girls are constantly changing.

Wanted: Time Machine

Preferably in the form of a Delorean or Tardis, thanks.

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon with the results of my blood work.  My levels from the blood draw on 3/8 showed very high estrogen and low progesterone.  They had told me that I was gearing up to ovulate.  My levels from yesterday's draw showed very high progesterone confirming that I did ovulate at some point after 3/8.  I was lackluster with the temping, but the past three days have shown a steady drop signaling that my period should be starting soon.

She bounced me over to the receptionist since Dr. S was ready to talk to about my MRI results.  Of course the next free appointment was next Wednesday morning.  ::sigh::  Hopefully by that point I'll have had a CD 3 and we can talk about those results in person as well.

So another week of waiting and worrying.  This pretty much sums up how I would prefer to spend the week.

Prelim results

While driving home on Friday, a little bummed about not hearing back from Dr. S, I notice my phone light up.  Sure enough, missed call from the office of Dr. S.  I swear they have special software that allows them to silence my phone and go straight to voice mail.  Dave listened to the message and cue the deja vu.  Dr. S had received the written results of my MRI, but needed the images.  Awesome.  Luckily the radiology place was open late so we stopped by on the way home to grab a CD.  Before leaving for dinner I couldn't resist looking.

 

From what I could gather from the written results and the help of Dr. Google with some medical terminology, my uterus is indeed a magical unicorn.  There is a small non-cavitary rudimentary horn, not sure if Dr. S will want it removed.  My right ovary showed an 18mm cyst and recent temps confirm that I did in fact ovulate sometime last week.  They also found multiple small follicles on both ovaries.  My lining was 15mm thick and in a bit of medical jargon I could not understand "the uterine myometrium appears heterogenous with no focal point" or something like that.  The big kicker was confirmation that I am missing my right kidney.

It looks like my dreams of playing pro football have been forever dashed.  All kidding aside, this does explain my "baby bladder" as Dave puts it.  I'm not sure if there are any lifestlye changes that will have to happen.  My blood pressure has always been in the normal range, never had a UTI, don't play any contact sports, and have always been generally healthy.

I had blood work taken this morning so I dropped off the CD afterwards.  The blood work sucked, the nurse had to dig around to catch the vein.  My arm is still very sore.  Hopefully Dr. S will have to time to look at the images today, I could use some good news.  Today marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.  I had to go to work that day and run two shows, spending the time in between shows holed up in the booth crying as I called my mom.  It was one of the worst days of my life.  Getting some good news today would be nice.

3/15/2012

I woke up that morning expecting the start of my period.  Instead I got another high temperature that made my 16 DPO chart look beautiful.  Unable to resist I tore open the box of FRERs that had been taunting me for the past few days.  Three minutes later I couldn't believe my eyes.  A faint second line had appeared.  Our timing had been terrible due to illness, we were leaving for Japan in a week, I had been sure we were out that cycle.  A second FRER showed the same faint second line.

I immediately ran out to get a CBE digital and more FRERs.  When the digital popped up "Not Pregnant" my heart fell.  A small voice in the back of my head was spewing negativity.  I brushed it off, the line was faint so there probably wasn't enough HCG to turn the less sensitive digital test.

Luckily I didn't have to be at work until 6:30 that night so there was the possibility of seeing Dave before I had to leave.  With our schedules back then Dave was usually getting home right after I had left for work.  We would often pass one another going in opposite directions.  Since the show was in previews I probably would not get home until close to midnight, Dave would have most likely been fast asleep on the couch by then.  I dropped hints all day through our IMs that he should hurry home that day.

It was time to get together his surprise.  I had purchased a onesie from ThinkGeek when we first started trying.  It was pale yellow with this image on it:

I ran out to Target to grab a gift bag and a card.  I found a very sweet card with little ducks on it.  At home I wrote on the card how happy I was to be pregnant with his child and how exciting it was to be starting our family.  I wrapped up the FRERs and placed them in the gift bag as well.

Dave walked through the door at 5:30.  He was a bit worried, wondering if something was wrong.  I ran up and pretty much shoved the gift bag into his hands.  Thoroughly confused he opened the card.  I'll never forget the smile on his face as he read the card.  I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to stay in our perfect moment.

3/15/2012 was one of the happiest days of my life.  We were ready to start a new chapter in our lives with so many hopes and dreams for the future.  In that perfect future our baby would be turning 4 months old next week.  Instead I am compulsively checking my phone, anxiously awaiting the results of my MRI and watching our hope for a 2013 baby quickly fade away.  That little gift bag with the card and onesie are hidden away in a closet somewhere, a reminder of what should have been.

Danger Will Robinson

Had my MRI done yesterday and it wasn't terrible.  We got there a few minutes early so I could fill out paperwork and was called back very quickly.  The tech, Laura, was incredible.  I made sure not to wear any metal (no jewelry, wore a sports bra, etc) so she took me back right away.  The MRI machine is scary as hell.  

She went over the procedure as I laid down on the table.  It would take about a hour to get all of the pictures with and without contrast.  I would get headphones to try and block out the noise of the machine and could pick any station to listen to.  My choice of jazz surprised her a bit, guess it's not one of the usual requests.  They would be taking images of my pelvic and abdominal regions to check out the uterus and kidneys.  

We then chatted a bit about infertility and made a few quips about fertile myrtles.  The upbeat atmosphere helped keep the anxiety down.  She got the I.V. for the contrast dye set up and it was almost painless.  I was then strapped down to the table.  They placed what looked like a piece of a rescue stretcher over my abdomen and strapped that down as well.  With that piece in place the machine could actually gauge my breathing and I could see it on the front LED monitor.  She gave me a plastic bulb to hold, if I needed to get her attention all I had to do was squeeze it. 

It looked a bit like this, but I got to stay in my street clothes

The table was then raised and slowly moved into the tube.  I'm not terribly claustrophobic, but being in the tube was very disconcerting.  It's dimly lit, makes very loud noises, you can barely shift your limbs, and the "ceiling" of the tube is less than 12" from your face.  I felt like I was in a sci fi movie, strapped into a tiny escape pod as the emergency evacuation alarms blared.  

The scans started and I tried to let my mind wander to distract from the deafening beeps.  Laura told me to breathe normally through most of the scans, but there were a few I had to hold my breath through.  After what seemed like hours it was time to insert the contrast dye.  The injection site felt like they were pushing ice water into my veins.  I could feel it travel up my arm and my hand simultaneously went numb.  Both feelings disappeared after a few seconds and the scans continued.

Finally the table slid out of the tube and I was done.  The I.V. was removed, they undid all the confining straps, and I was free to go.  I was instructed to drink lots of water throughout the day to flush the dye out.  Dave was sitting in the waiting room and commented on how pale I looked as we were leaving.  It wasn't an overly awful experience, just physically and mentally draining.

Dr. S should be getting the results sometime today so hopefully I'll hear from him before the weekend.  I am also crossing my fingers that my next Prolactin draw comes back normal, I'd rather not go back for another MRI.    

Thank you Groupon

You have given us something to look forward to when the hell that is Go Live is finally over.

I had heard of Groupon before, but never utilized it.  When Dave's friend sent him a Groupon deal for an all inclusive in Dominican Republic it seemed too good to pass up.  Well due to lack of communication the deal expired before a final decision could be made.  Completely bummed I decided to keep an eye on new deals to see if another all inclusive came up.  A few days later it appeared.  Four nights plus two free massages at a small all inclusive in St Lucia.

I annoyingly poked and prodded Dave to check and see if his friends wanted to join us.  There was no way I was letting this deal slip away.  After a few days of no answers and phone tag it was time for an executive decision.  We purchased the Groupon last night, got our vacation time approved today, and will book the hotel and flight this evening.  Looks like our 3 year anniversary will be spent in tropical paradise.

Quick update

So I decided to take Dr. S up on his offer of Provera to jump start my next cycle.  Since this cycle has been annovulatory I'm afraid my weird light bleeding is going to mess up my CD 1 and my chances of shedding any extra lining.  This morning we stopped at the main office on the way to work and got my blood drawn.  Just got the call back a few minutes ago.  No Provera for me.  The nurse said that the blood work showed I was close to ovulating.  What the what?  She asked me to come in again next Thursday morning to repeat the test.  Troll ovaries strike again.

We are currently trying to avoid pregnancy until final confirmation of my ute shape.  As much as I would love to get pregnant before March 18th, exactly one year since my miscarriage, it's too much of a risk.

My MRI is scheduled for Wednesday morning.  It will be with and without contrast so I've been freaking myself out with horror stories of bad reactions to the dye and fumbling techs blowing veins.  Never imagined trying to get pregnant would get so complicated.

One step at a time

Dave's mom is home and resting.  It's really scary to think that she was about three days away from a massive heart attack.  She has to start a heart healthy diet, which will be good for her and Dave's dad.

I have a MRI scheduled for next week to take more detailed scans of my sad uterus.  Dr. S wants to confirm that it is unicornuate and not just a septum or possible bicornuate.  He also wants to check out my kidneys and make sure there are two in there.  As usual, he is a pillar of optimism and reassured me that an UU should not inhibit me getting pregnant.

The HSG must have really pissed off my uterus and ovaries.  This cycle looks to be annovulatory and I have been having red to brown spotting since the weekend accompanied by sharp cramps.  Not cool body, not cool.  Hopefully the coming period will be kind enough to clean out the excess uterine lining, I'd rather not have to do the endometrial biopsy.  Lower prolactin would be good too.

Why? (Updated)

Finally got fed up with waiting and called Dr. S's office.  He was gone for the day so the earliest I will hear back is Monday.  Receptionist said she would leave him a message.

Dave's mom is in the hospital.  She's been throwing up for the past few days and FIL took her to the ER this morning.  We'll know more around five o'clock.  Update: Her left coronary artery was 95% blocked so they put in a stint.  They are keeping her overnight.

You're not supposed to be given more than you can actually handle right?