Friday, March 15, 2013


I woke up that morning expecting the start of my period.  Instead I got another high temperature that made my 16 DPO chart look beautiful.  Unable to resist I tore open the box of FRERs that had been taunting me for the past few days.  Three minutes later I couldn't believe my eyes.  A faint second line had appeared.  Our timing had been terrible due to illness, we were leaving for Japan in a week, I had been sure we were out that cycle.  A second FRER showed the same faint second line.

I immediately ran out to get a CBE digital and more FRERs.  When the digital popped up "Not Pregnant" my heart fell.  A small voice in the back of my head was spewing negativity.  I brushed it off, the line was faint so there probably wasn't enough HCG to turn the less sensitive digital test.

Luckily I didn't have to be at work until 6:30 that night so there was the possibility of seeing Dave before I had to leave.  With our schedules back then Dave was usually getting home right after I had left for work.  We would often pass one another going in opposite directions.  Since the show was in previews I probably would not get home until close to midnight, Dave would have most likely been fast asleep on the couch by then.  I dropped hints all day through our IMs that he should hurry home that day.

It was time to get together his surprise.  I had purchased a onesie from ThinkGeek when we first started trying.  It was pale yellow with this image on it:

I ran out to Target to grab a gift bag and a card.  I found a very sweet card with little ducks on it.  At home I wrote on the card how happy I was to be pregnant with his child and how exciting it was to be starting our family.  I wrapped up the FRERs and placed them in the gift bag as well.

Dave walked through the door at 5:30.  He was a bit worried, wondering if something was wrong.  I ran up and pretty much shoved the gift bag into his hands.  Thoroughly confused he opened the card.  I'll never forget the smile on his face as he read the card.  I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to stay in our perfect moment.

3/15/2012 was one of the happiest days of my life.  We were ready to start a new chapter in our lives with so many hopes and dreams for the future.  In that perfect future our baby would be turning 4 months old next week.  Instead I am compulsively checking my phone, anxiously awaiting the results of my MRI and watching our hope for a 2013 baby quickly fade away.  That little gift bag with the card and onesie are hidden away in a closet somewhere, a reminder of what should have been.

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