Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Is it 2014 yet?

We are benched until further notice.

During my CD3 u/s they discovered that my lining was very thick.  Since this is a known issue with my uterus I went in the next day for another u/s.  Of course my lining was no better.  Dr. S decided it was too thick to move forward with a cycle.  I'm on birth control for the next month or two to try and shrink my lining down.  If that doesn't work, we'll have to discuss other options.

We will likely stay on the bench until 2014, it'll be too hard to cycle in mid November through December.  January will hopefully bring us a fresh start.  There's still hope for a 2014 baby at this point.  If the birth control does not fix my lining then that hope will most likely disappear.  

Why is making a baby so hard?  My Facebook feed is filled with adorable babies in their Halloween costumes.  The other day a girl from college posted a birth announcement.  In the time we have been TTC she has had two children.  I hate being a jealous bitch, what kind of monster has IF turned me into?

Friday, October 25, 2013

Level 1, again

CD2 with a super heavy period.  My favorite nurse, E, called yesterday to set up baseline and make sure I was set on meds for this cycle.  The first thing she asked was if I felt okay, Dr. S was concerned and wanted to make sure I wasn't having any pain or discomfort.  It feels really great to know you are not just another name on a chart.  

We're going to try the 25mg Clomid+trigger+IUI again since I responded so well last cycle.  I have the Clomid already and will pick up my trigger shot after my baseline tomorrow morning.  Two big fears for this cycle are being cancelled because of cysts and messing up my trigger again.  I may have Dave uncap the needle this time.

One thing I am interested to see is how I respond to the 25mg Clomid again.  Usually there is a worry about diminishing returns and thinned lining, but my ovaries seem to defy logic and thinning my lining wouldn't be such a terrible thing.  On 25mg I had nearly three times the number of measurable follicles than I had on 50mg.  It would be great to get a nice mature follicle or two on the left side to work with.

If we can just get past tomorrow's ultrasound with no cysts I think this cycle will be okay and we'll make it to IUI.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Your Princess/Prince is in another castle...

14DPO today with lots of dark brown spotting.  My period should show up later today or possibly tomorrow.

After my meltdown on Sunday Dave brought up the idea of taking the rest of the year off from treatments.  While originally opposed, it's now sounding like a good idea.  December will be a very busy time for us.  The kitchen remodel will be starting on December 9th and should take about two weeks.  Christmas plans are still up in the air at the moment, but we may be away in Boston for most of that week.

As long as my ovaries are okay during my next CD3 scan we will try one more medicated cycle this year.  I already have the Clomid and should have a refill or two left for Ovidrel.  If it doesn't work or we get benched again for cysts, then we will take a break and start fresh in 2014.

I hate that we even have to think about this.  We should be celebrating a BFP and decorating those two pumpkins with an announcement for our parents.  Maybe we'll think of something else to do with them, but today I am angry and bitter.  All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep, there is too much stupid in the office today.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Outlook not good

BFN on Saturday.  Tons of brown spotting/flow on Sunday.  Good old fashioned cry fest Sunday afternoon.  This morning much less spotting, but still there.  CD1 will most likely be Wednesday.

I didn't want to be writing a post like this today.  This cycle felt so right.  Now we have to face the very real possibility of hitting the two year mark of TTC and what should have been our baby's first birthday next month with a still empty uterus.    

F U IF!!

Friday, October 18, 2013

Final level?

Will the Princess/Prince be in this castle or will we have to move on to the next castle?

Tomorrow I will be 10DPO and plan on testing in the morning.  I'm trying to be confident and hopeful, yet keeping my heart guarded at the same time.  This cycle did not go exactly as planned, but in the end I still ovulated.  There may have even been an egg or two from lefty.  Still it feels like any cycle with a chance ends the same way, in failure.

We went pumpkin picking last weekend with some of the amazing IDOB Jersey ladies and their husbands.  It was an amazing time and we're already planning our next get together.  Dave and I got two pumpkins while there.  My dream plan is to use them to announce to our parents if we get a BFP this cycle.  The larger one would say Baby Wolf and the smaller one would have the due date (July 2nd).

I've had more pregnancy dreams than usual during this 2WW.  The two that stand out are the one in which we have two boys, one a toddler and the other an infant, and the one where I am pregnant and we're hanging out with friends.  The second one felt so real, waking up was quite a surprise.  Besides the dreams I am experiencing incredibly sore nipples and crazy bloat.  The sore nipples are strange.  I usually have extremely sore breasts, but this time only the nipples hurt.  Trying not to read too much into it.

One more sleep until I can test!

Monday, October 14, 2013

Level 3B Cleared

After three days of rising temps my chart confirmed ovulation for Wednesday.  We had great timing, only missing the day before ovulation.  I'm feeling pretty confident about this cycle, things seem to have fallen in to place despite the trigger mishap.  Hopefully the few extra days let one or two follies on lefty catch up.  I'm not sure when I'll start testing.  A small part of me wants to test on my birthday.  Testing on 7DPO is crazy of course, but how amazing would it be to get an early BFP.  

Tomorrow is Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss remembrance day.  I'm not sure if I'll post anything on FB.  We already came out about my early miscarriage during NIAW.  I will be hurting, considering that baby should be turning 1 right around this time.  Perhaps just a generic status about lighting a candle for our lost bean will be best.  It's just going to be buried under the onslaught of the usual FB Birthday wishes unfortunately.

On a brighter note, we'll be signing the contract for our kitchen remodel tomorrow night.  We saw the design on Friday night and it was perfect.  Just need to make a final decision on backsplash and paint at this point.  Hopefully we'll be able to start the renovation in January.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Level 3B: in progress

Unfortunately my blood work showed I was already surging so we were downgraded to TI.  Womp womp.

There is a lot of activity going on in my ovaries.  I have been keeping track of my temperature and using OPKs.  No temp spike or positive OPK yet, but feel like O is happening today.  Really hoping to get an egg or two from my left ovary and that TI will be enough.

Dave and I worked from home yesterday.  We had the condo inspector coming to make sure we put a spring hinge on the front door and we had to be home.  The inspection took five seconds.  He knocked, I opened the door, he saw the hinge, approved, then left.  Luckily we were able to get the contractor for the kitchen to come in as well.  He was very nice and we chatted for bit.  Sakura was all over him, rubbing against his shoes and demanding attention.  He got the needed measurements and will call us when the design is ready.  We'll then go in for a ~2 hour meeting with him to finalize everything and make any changes we want.  Once approved they should be starting work around January.

I think I will feel a lot better once ovulation is confirmed.  There's really no chance at this point of getting a BFP on my birthday since I'll be ~7DPO, but I'll gladly take a belated present a few days later.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Level 3 Failed. Continue?

Friday's ultrasound and blood work were incredibly easy, I was in and out of the office in about ten minutes.  Feeling confident I spent the day slaving away at the big monthly spreadsheet report.  The nurse called around 4 with my results.  (Now, just as a refresher, on 50mg Clomid I had two follies on my right at 15mm and 12mm and one 12mm follie on my left with blood work showing I was already surging.)  On my right ovary I had two follies at 16mm and two more at 14mm.  On my left ovary there were two follies at 13mm and two at 11mm.  Eight measurable follicles from 25mg Clomid!  

The nurse told me to trigger the following day and IUI would be Monday afternoon.  We were able to go down to Baltimore as planned!  We packed the car up on Saturday, my Ovidrel shot sitting in the insulated packaging with an ice pack.  Everything was going great until it was trigger time.  It was about 1:30am, wanting trigger to happen as close to 36 hours before IUI as possible without staying up all night.  I was so incredibly nervous and I read the directions over and over again while waiting for the Ovidrel to come to room temperature.  Dave and our friends B and R were with me in the kitchen, giving their support.

It was go time.  I went to take off the cap, my hands shaking as the cap resisted.  There was a pop, but it wasn't the cap.  Somehow the plunger had pulled back and came completely out.  The medication spilled out all over the counter.  I stood there completely dumbfounded, wondering for a split second if I could just replace the plunger and suck the liquid back up into the syringe.  Once that stroke of desperate stupidity had passed I panicked and called the after hours service for Dr. S.  I was two states away with no chance of getting a second syringe.  The on call nurse put me through to Dr. S, it never ceases to amaze me how calm and collected that man is.  I would have to come in Monday morning for another ultrasound and blood work and see where we could go from there.

After getting off the phone we all went to bed.  I broke down and cried hysterically.  The cycle might be ruined and it would be all my fault.  Dave comforted me and got me to calm down, reassuring me that everything would be fine.  I didn't sleep well at all that night.  

The next morning as we got ready for Ren Faire I chatted with my NJ IDOB ladies and they helped me so much.  The cycle wasn't ruined, there was still plenty of hope.  Ren Faire was a lot of fun as always and really helped take my mind off the previous night's disaster.  We headed home later in the afternoon, got take out, and starting watching season 8 of How I Met Your Mother.  All in all a nice relaxing evening.

The ultrasound and blood work this morning went well and it seems I have not ovulated yet.  The tech said my blood work results would determine the course of action.  Best case scenario is trigger tonight with IUI tomorrow or Wednesday.  If I'm already surging then we'll be downgraded to TI.  Just waiting for the call now....        

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Level 2 cleared

I am very grateful for this warmer than usual weather.  Yesterday morning we left the house at 6am and I didn't even need a jacket.  Not many cars were on the road yet and we made it to Dr. S's office relatively quickly.  While I am in no way a morning person, there is a serious perk to having the first appointment of the day.  The nurse took me back for blood work right after I signed in.  It hurt more than usual, but my troll veins relinquished blood quite easily.

The ultrasound was not pleasant.  My right ovary was way over to the side, almost impossible to see with the trans vaginal ultrasound.  She tried the usual technique of pushing down on my abdomen while searching with the vag wand, but no luck.   All it accomplished was giving me major cramps and discomfort.  Out came the regular wand and she was able to get a good view.  After what felt like an eternity she was done.  As usual she didn't give any results, but once again wished me luck.  This worked out well last time so my spirits were up.

Dave and I were working from home that day so we stopped at a little place to grab breakfast.  As usual when we work from home there was a large crisis at the office.  Luckily the outside tech company had a handle on it and we didn't have to rush in.  Good thing too since I didn't have my laptop and was wearing yoga pants, an old t-shirt, and a very worn hoodie.

Around 1pm the nurse called with my results.  She didn't give me the actual sizes, but I had two follies nearing maturity on my right ovary.  There are two smaller ones that may or may not catch up on my left.  I go back in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and more blood work.  If things have progressed I could be triggering tomorrow night.  Not sure when IUI would be, but have a feeling it would be Sunday morning.

Of course we have plans to go down to Maryland for the weekend.  Our friends B and R live in Baltimore and plan a big group trip to the Maryland Ren Faire every fall.  The Faire trip is on Sunday, but we were going to head down Saturday afternoon to spend the day with them.  At this point it is what it is.  We'll know for sure what's up tomorrow.  Best case scenario is trigger on Saturday with IUI on Monday morning.