Weighing the options

I saw Dr. S yesterday for an ultrasound.  He wanted to personally look at my ovaries and check my heart.  My heart rate was perfectly normal and I was not having any pains or trouble breathing.  During the ultrasound he pointed everything out on the screen.  My ovaries were enormous and he could not tell where one ended and the other began.  He did not find any fluid in the cavity so it could not be labeled OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome).  There was a small victory in that my lining was down to 8mm.

After the scan he gave me a sheet of strict instructions to follow.  It is basically slightly modified OHSS precautions.  Absolutely no intercourse/tampons/anything up the hoohah for at least a week, possibly two.  I'm not quite on bed rest, but need to stay off my feet as much as possible.  I cannot do any lifting, strenuous activity like exercising or dancing, or heavy housework.  If I have any abdominal pain, trouble breathing, problems urinating, or gain more than 3 pounds in 48 hours then I need to call in immediately.        

I go in tomorrow afternoon for another ultrasound and afterwards we'll discuss our plan moving forward.  We have the day off from work so Dave will be able to come as well.  Our options at this point are to try Clomid again at half the dosage or move on to injects.  Both plans have their risks.  With Clomid I could have the same response and my ovaries blow up.  With injects the risk of multiples increases greatly, which is something we want to avoid.

Clomid

Dave and I went out to dinner last night and talked about these possible plans.  I explained the risks each plan would entail.  After much discussion we decided to lean towards injects.  My body just does not react as it should and it seems foolish to try Clomid again.  Injects, while increasing the risk for multiples, usually do not have any side effects and is easier on the body overall.  There is also a lot more monitoring involved in case my ovaries go crazy again.

For now I am taking it easy and trying not to overdo it.  Hopefully my ovaries are shrinking and we'll get some good news tomorrow afternoon.  We're going out shopping tonight since I need a dress for a wedding on Sunday.  I'm so bloated that everything I own makes me look and feel like a whale.  Hopefully I'll find something nice and comfortable that doesn't make me look enormous.        

Oh, hello again bench

Our first medicated cycle was a bust.  My period showed up on Sunday and I felt pretty bummed.  I had hoped we would get lucky and be one and done with Clomid.  My CD3 blood work and ultrasound were scheduled for early this morning.

My period starting getting very heavy last night.  Being my first real period in a while my uterus was definitely doing some serious cleaning.  During the u/s this morning the tech (my favorite tech) said my lining was down to 9mm, the thinnest it has ever been.  Judging by how much I have been bleeding since then it's probably even lower now.  

Around 3 I get a call from the RE nurse with  my results.  The ultrasound showed I have two cysts, one on each ovary.  This is why monitoring is essential during Clomid cycles!  Dr. S wants to see me tomorrow morning to do another ultrasound.  Until then I am on pelvic rest and have to take it easy.  Our cycle is most likely cancelled and I may be taking birth control for a few weeks to help shrink the cysts. 

I am really disappointed.  Things were really starting to move along and our momentum has once again ground to a halt.  If you need me I'll be on the couch, drinking a bottle of wine, and playing FFXIV. 

Well then

It seems like things are leaning more towards BFN than BFP.  I had very light spotting yesterday, but didn't think much of it.  This morning it had turned into more consistent brown spotting.  When combined with my sour mood, increasingly sore bosoms, and feeling like I'm about to break down crying tells me that CD1 will be here soon.

This cycle was a long shot.  With the dominant follicle being on the wrong ovary our chances were slim.  It also would have been too perfect to get pregnant this cycle.  To have conceived our rainbow baby down in Baltimore, the place we met and got engaged, would have been too good a story.  We never seem lucky enough to get those perfect moments.

What does this mean for the future?  Next cycle will be a bit more intensive.  Not sure if they will keep me at the same dosage of Clomid, I did respond well at 50mg with three follicles.  On CD3 I will go in for a baseline u/s and b/w to make sure everything looks good.  Then CD3-7 I will take Clomid.  Since I surged so early last cycle they may want me to start coming in for follicle checks around CD9 again.  Hopefully I will produce a nice big follie on my left side this time.  Most ladies do a trigger shot during IUI cycles.  Once the follies mature a trigger shot forces your body to ovulate.  This way the IUI (intra-uterine insemination) can be timed properly.  The morning of the IUI Dave will provide a sperm sample.  The sperm will be washed then placed directly into my uterus via catheter.  Not sure if I will be put on progesterone after IUI since my numbers have always been good.

It's nice knowing we are getting a little more aggressive next cycle.  Of course I will be upset once CD1 gets here, but we know my body does respond to fertility meds.  For now I am just doing my best not to blow up at anyone who pisses me off today.  

Dreaming

One of the many difficult aspects of IF to face is the feeling of isolation.  Your whole life seems to be surrounded by happy couples, easily conceiving beautiful children and waltzing through textbook pregnancies.  Yet there you sit all alone, feeling broken and insignificant.  You know other people deal with IF, you've sat near them in the RE waiting room avoiding eye contact.  Somehow you still feel terribly alone.

When we decided to start TTC I joined The Bump.  The board TTGP (Trying to Get Pregnant) was filled with knowledgeable ladies who weren't afraid to tell it like it is.  No puppies and rainbows to be found there, just snark and funny gifs.  I loved it.  It was hard to watch as most of the ladies got their BFPs and moved on.  Sometimes you can't help but feel left behind, wondering when it will be your turn.

When the time came to see the RE in January I moved over to the TTTC/3T (Trouble TTC) board.  Those ladies kept me sane as each test result came back with bad news.  Without them, the news of my UU probably would have sent me into a deep depression.  Instead I was lifted up by many others dealing with MAs and was able to talk to a few fellow UUers who had successful pregnancies.

A few weeks ago one of the 3Ters invited us to join a private Facebook group for those dealing with IF.  It is an awesome group and there are quite of few of us from New Jersey.  A get together was planned and last Friday the NJ Dreamers met at the Melting Pot.  Dinner was amazing, minus the dropped glass shattering all over M though we did get a lot of free stuff after that.  A second outing has already been planned that will involve our DHs.  

While IF is still a struggle, I don't feel alone anymore.  My phone is constantly blowing up with Dreamer's updates or crazy stickers from the NJ ladies and it always makes me smile.  

These past few weeks have been incredibly hectic.  Now things are starting to settle down and I'm enjoying being on the tail end of the 2WW.  By next week we should be celebrating a BFP or getting our protocol for our first IUI cycle.      

High hopes

Baltimore was amazing!  It was a much needed vacation with the bonus of spending time with great friends and making a few new ones.  The con was great, its amazing to see how much it has grown over the past seven years.  One of the highlights was seeing a concert by Yoko Kanno.  She is a very famous and talented composer whose credits include some of the most popular anime like Cowboy Bebop and Escaflowne.  At our wedding we used a lot of her music during the reception during band breaks as well as our first dance.  Our band actually learned her song I Recommend Instincts and it was absolutely amazing.  Being able to see her perform live was incredible.

On Tuesday I had blood taken to check progesterone.  That morning I took my temperature and it was well into my post ovulation range.  Since Clomid can mess with your BBT I didn't get too excited.  No call from the office on Tuesday so I decided to call Wednesday afternoon.  The receptionist said that they will only call with bad P4 results.  I guess that means I ovulated.  So I am somewhere in the 2WW, probably around 7DPO.  I have continued taking my temperature for fun and had a large dip yesterday and a decent spike back up this morning.  Trying to decide when to test, I guess if my temperature jumps up again in the next few days I'll take the chance.

Full circle?

Today was an early day for the Wolf clan.  After staying up a bit too late last night, trying to finish up packing for our trip to Baltimore tonight, we rolled out of bed at 6.  Dave dropped me off at Dr. S's office and went to get us breakfast.  There was barely anyone there today so I went back right away.  Taking blood wasn't too bad today, but she didn't get much before my vein rolled and disappeared.

I was a little disheartened when I saw who would be the u/s tech.  She is a squat woman with frizzy red hair and wears pale lipstick with very dark lip liner.  It's a very bizarre look, but she is generally nice.  The problem is that she always has trouble finding my right ovary.  I had to explain my UU, confirm that I do in fact have both ovaries, and confirm that my thick lining is okay.

The search for my wandering ovary was, yet again, awful.  After a few minutes of severe discomfort and pushing down on my abdomen she decided to pull out the regular u/s wand.  Using that she was finally able to find it quickly.  This might be TMI, but I found it to be incredibly weird/funny at the time.  While using the regular wand she left the dildo cam inside me.  All I could think about was "what if it falls out, will it just shatter all over the floor?".  Luckily it stayed put and she finished up a few minutes later. 

After lunch I got the call from one of my favorite nurses.  It seems like the sharp pains I felt around my right ovary was indeed growing pains.  My right ovary had two follicles measuring 15mm and 12mm.  Lefty also had a 12mm follie.  According to my b/w I should be ovulating very soon so it is go time tonight and tomorrow.

I was really worried about not responding well to Clomid.  I do wish the larger follicle was on the left ovary, but pregnancy stories of eggs traveling over to the other tube keep my spirits up.  As mentioned in a previous post, Baltimore is a very special place for Dave and me.  Conceiving our rainbow baby there would be a hell of a story.        

 

Weekend trips

One of the best things about having a normal person schedule is the ability to go on weekend trips.  If you’re lucky you can even make it a long weekend.  Our friends E & M got married over the weekend down in DC.  Dave and I were able to get Friday off so we headed down Thursday night.  It was an easy drive, though Dave was not a fan of the more organic roads in the city. 

On Friday we woke up early and headed to the National Zoo.  It was a beautiful space, very open with some of the most active animals we’ve ever seen at a zoo.  By the time we finished up it was starting to get a little crowded.  We left and headed downtown.  Finding parking was a bit of a nightmare, but we finally found a garage.  After grabbing a quick bite we walked down to the Smithsonians.  We hit up the Air and Space museum first.  Dave observed that there hadn’t been many updates since he visited in the 8^th grade.  The Natural History museum was our last stop.  Our feet were aching by that point, but we made our way through all of the exhibits.  We finished up the night by having dinner and drinks with Dave’s cousin K.

The wedding was Saturday night and it was a blast.  The ceremony was beautiful, the food was great, and it was an open bar.  The bar had an unfortunate “no shots” policy, which we got around by ordering Fireball whiskey neat in a small glass.  That stuff burns, but it tastes so good.  We all danced, drank, and made fools of ourselves.  It was a wonderful escape from the stress and anxiety that ruled my life the previous week.

Today is my last day of Clomid.  It has to be the worst tasting medication I’ve ever had.  It took two tries to swallow it last night and I had to rinse twice with mouthwash to get rid of the taste.  It seems I scraped by with only minimal side effects.  The first three nights I had terrible hot flashes.  Each morning I woke up drenched in sweat.  My period has gone down to dark brown spotting, hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow.

Wednesday is my follie check.  Since we are going away Wednesday night and will be down in Baltimore until Sunday night my u/s will be a little early.  They usually do them CD10-12, but mine will be on CD9.  Hopefully we’ll see some growth, preferably on my left ovary.     

It's happening

We are officially in our first medicated cycle.  The protocol is 50mg Clomid + TI (Timed Intercourse). 

After some disagreements with Dr. S about monitoring, something they are apparently quite lax with low dose Clomid + TI cycles, everything was worked out today and I take my first Clomid pill tonight.  Dave and I will be down in DC for a wedding tonight through Sunday.  Then we go down to Baltimore next week Wednesday night through Sunday.  I'll have a follicle scan on Wednesday morning.  It'll be a little early at CD9, but hopefully we'll see some development.

Things have really fallen into place.  Next week marks 7 years since Dave and I met and started dating.  It also marks 5 years since he proposed at the place we met in Baltimore.  Now we return to Baltimore for the first time since we started TTC and it falls during our first medicated cycle.  Good things have always happened to us in Baltimore, I hope we can look back at this as the year we conceived our rainbow baby.