I'm at work

and all I want to do is go back to bed.

We launched our new operating system yesterday and most of the day was putting out small fires, mostly CSRs whining and complaining.  The core team is in today to make some crucial fixes before we start the work week with customer calls tomorrow.  I plan to get back to regular updates soon.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

NIAW!

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  Dave and I made the decision to come out with our story.  I changed my cover photo and wrote a mini novel of a status.  The feedback so far has been amazing.  It feels really good to be "out".  My hope is to help those who may still be struggling in silence, feeling that they are alone in the scary world of IF.

I know things have been a little quiet around here and I apologize for not updating for a while.  Last week CD 24 ended up turning into CD 1 and I was a mess.  Currently on CD 7 and still bleeding steadily.  The optimistic side of my brain thinks that this is a spring cleaning period, preparing my uterus for a nice May BFP.  The larger pessimistic side of my brain thinks I am just going to continue bleeding and will have to call Dr. S for an intervention.  I want to side with optimism, I really do.

Anyway, our big project will hopefully be launching this weekend, barring any major disasters.  Things will probably remain quiet here.  I plan to give a big update on Sunday and go over NIAW.

Too many emotions

I love Boston.  I was born and raised ten minutes north of that beautiful city.  It feels like my heart has been ripped out.  Luckily all of our family and friends are safe.  My Dad works in South Boston, far from Copley.  My Mom and sister were home, but still heard the bombs.  Dave's cousin was heading down Boylston with her friends, but thankfully was nowhere near the finish line when the bombs went off.  I am thankful in this day and age for the technology available to us, people were able to check in quickly.  Hopefully technology will be able to help catch those responsible.  You do not fuck with Boston.

Quick whiny update:  Currently having a terrible acne breakout, including a very painful cystic pimple on my chin.  My ovaries feel like they are exploding, right now my left one is experiencing sharp pains.  The bleeding has slowed and as of this morning had turned brown.  My temperature also took a massive dive this morning.  My chart is starting to resemble a jagged mountain range.  I can't believe I let myself get my hopes up for this cycle.  

I need a stiff drink and a nap.

       

My body just loves to contradict me

Remember how happy I was the other day about possibly ovulating and the lack of spotting?  Apparently my body thought it would be hilarious to prove me wrong.  I had some bad cramping on my right side yesterday afternoon.  Chalked it up to gas pains or something like that.  We were out and about most of the day, including our first trip to Costco.  That place is dangerous by the way.  The pain had subsided by the time we got home.  When I went to the bathroom I noticed a lot of brownish pink blood on the toilet paper.  Thanks body, we were doing so well this cycle.

I woke up this morning to a slight temp drop, but putting in a higher dummy temp tomorrow does give me crosshairs for Saturday.  So, perhaps it was just ovulation spotting from an egg busting out with great force? I will choose to believe that for now, though I would appreciate ovulating on the side with the fallopian tube.  As of this morning the bleeding has slowed to a light brown spotting, hopefully it doesn't pick back up again. So tomorrow morning's temp will show if I am 3 DPO or just on CD 24.  I won't be sleeping well tonight. 

A push in the right direction

April 21st through the 27th is Narional Infertility Awareness week.  It is a time where we can all come together and share our stories.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, a fairly high number for a disease that is rarely talked about in public.  Why is it such a taboo?  Why are people allowed to ignorantly pry into our sex lives, inquiring if we are trying to have children?

Honestly, I didn't originally feel ready to come out.  I chickened out last October on Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day.  It was a very hard day for me.  I should have been 36 weeks pregnant and it was the day before my birthday.  As much as I wanted to raise awareness, I just couldn't go through with it.  We have been very lucky, not many people have nagged us about starting a family.  I haven't felt particularly pressured to share our story to halt an onslaught of inquiries.

When Infertility Awareness week was first brought to my attention, I was very hesitant.  We have let our close family and friends know of our struggles.  Everyone we have told has been incredibly supportive, but would the world of Facebook be supportive as well?

Well, my mind was changed today.  A friend posted a status about returning from a trip with her three young sons (three boys aged 4 and under) and a mean woman on the plane who called them awful.  One of the comments surmised that the woman "was a bitch, didn't have children and was probably infertile :)".  Yes, there was a smiley face.

On April 21st I will change my cover page and share our story.  I will post jnfertility related facts and links every day for the whole week.  Dave has given me his full support to go ahead with it.  If people don't like it, they can go ahead and unfriend me.  That comment today made my blood boil, I am not going to stand for it anymore.  Some of the struggles many women have to go through to have a baby are truly incredible.  Our story seems almost insignificant compared to the years and thousands of dollars some couples spend to achieve their dream, but every voice counts whe it comes to raising awareness.

Finally some good news

As usual my phone did not want me to actually talk to Dr. S and I ended up with a nice long voicemail yesterday afternoon.  He had the results of my MRI, they did not find any tumors or lesions on my pituitary gland.  That is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

He also heard back from the MRI doctor about my rudimentary horn.  She looked over the images again and saw that there is no endometrial lining in the horn.  The other good news is that it appears to be attached to the muscle of the uterus and not in any way affecting the endometria.  To be absolutely sure she wants to take a look at the images from my HSG.  So, I get to pick up the CD from Dr. S and drop it off at the radiology center.  I really should start a courier business on the side.

My chart has been looking really nice this cycle, which makes me believe the Parlodel is working.  If I were to return to "normal" this month then I should be ovulating any day now.  My temp jumped a little yesterday raising my hopes, but was back down in the 96 range this morning.  I am trying not to hold out too much hope for this cycle, but things seem to be going our way lately.  Maybe it'll finally be our turn.

Working for the weekend

I will take an hour long pelvic and abdominal MRI over a 30 minute brain MRI any day of the week.  I went in pretty relaxed and was excited when the tech mentioned it would take half an hour.  She set up the table and this time I would be going in head first.  I laid down, situating my head in a plastic cradle.  The tech gave me the panic button and a blanket, the room was freezing.  When the table was raised up to the machine she moved a plastic cage down to encompass my head.  There was a small mirror above my eyes that allowed me to see down towards my feet.  I could see the techs through the observation window as well.

It was similar to this image, minus the eye gear and wires.

No big cushy headphones playing jazz to drown out the excessive noise this time.  Instead there were squishy earplugs, small headphone pads, and another set of pads that slid into the cage to hold the headphones in place.  This time I got a random pop music station.  The music selection did not really matter, it was impossible to hear anything once the machine got going.  They did the first round of scans, then brought me out to inject the contrast.  Then it was back into the tube for the second round of scans.  It felt so much longer than my other MRI.  Somehow I was able to stay still and not freak out.  Dave said I looked incredibly pale when coming out to the waiting room.  I had a massive headache and generally felt like crap.  We headed home to relax a bit.  

After some coffee, excedrin, and showers we headed up north.  We had lunch with Dave's parents at a great little Irish pub.  Nothing like some Shepard's Pie to warm you up on a chilly day.  It was a nice lunch and my headache had died down by the end of the meal.

Now it was time for the main event of the day.  Our friends J and C recently purchased their first home so we were heading over for a housewarming party.  For their gift I put together a cute basket with an OXO pop top cookie jar filled with chocolate chip cookies and Reese's PB cup brownie bites, a set of funky glasses, and a few dish towels.  

It was an awesome party!  Their house is a cute split level on a nice quiet street.  They also adopted a puppy, an adorable little retriever terrier mix named Daisy.  She was a total sweetheart and Dave wanted to steal her.  We drank beer, caught up with everyone, played horse shoes, and enjoyed a nice bonfire as the sun set.  

Being there reaffirmed what a great choice it was to leave my theater job.  I would have been stuck doing a two show day had I declined that job offer.  While it was fun at the time, that career path would have left me a miserable person.  Our lifestyle and hopes for our future family are so much brighter now.  I'm glad to have had that experience and made some amazing friends, but it would have made life with children with very difficult. 

We got home really late thanks to construction on the Parkway.  Nothing like bringing a five lane highway down to one lane.  We slept in late and had a nice lazy Sunday at home.  Our friend J came over for some wine and board games.  All in all it was a perfect weekend, minus the MRI of course.

Hello limbo, we meet again

Got a call from the RE nurse on Thursday afternoon.  She had my MRI authorization number and an order for blood work.  Apparently the MRI place needed this blood work completed before I came in.  So we woke up early Saturday morning to pop over to the office for a quick draw.

Dr. S was just finishing up with another couple while I was signing in.  While showing them out he called Dave and I back for a quick chat.  The radiologist had finally gotten back to him on Friday.  She had not even noticed the rudimentary horn during the scan.  This answer did not please Dr. S so he put a call in to the MRI doctor and was waiting to hear back.

The big concern with a rudimentary horn is the possibility that it is still communicating with the body.  Researchers believe this could be the reason for the high rate of miscarriage with UUs.  The horn will keep sending signals that pregnancy did not occur, even if an embryo had implanted in the main part of the uterus.  My rudimentary horn is small and non-cavitary, Dr. S feels it is just an artifact and should cause no problems.  He is still incredibly thorough and wants confirmation from the MRI doctor.

If no straight answer can be found then it's time for more tests.  He started describing a procedure similar to the HSG, but the balloon is placed in the cervix instead of the uterus.  Honestly at that point my mind went to it's happy place and my ears stopped working.  I had not had any coffee by that point and couldn't handle it. The final step, should that horror of a test show anything or also come back inconclusive, would be surgery to remove the horn.  At this point, I would rather just get the surgery.  I'd rather have peace of mind knowing it's gone than continue to worry over inconclusive tests.

Is that selfish and a cop out?  Most likely.  Do I care?  Not really.  Maybe it's the Parlodel making me feel like crap or that I feel like I'm running on fumes at the moment, but I just need something to go my way.  April is going to be a very long month.