Friday, November 30, 2012

Gone too soon

It has taken me a while to gather my thoughts before writing this.  The thought of going back and reliving the memories of those few days is quite daunting.  One of my greatest flaws is to keep my emotions bottled up inside, to try and take care of the pain myself and not burden others.  It's stupid and just causes a complete meltdown, but I am getting better at opening up.  Anyway, let's get on with it.

We started our 4th cycle of trying to conceive in mid February.  This would be my last cycle before our honeymoon to Japan in March and we actually had a few conversations about taking the month off, but decided to just see what happened.  A week into my cycle both Dave and I got really sick so sex was out of the question.  It didn't seem like a big deal since I usually ovulated between the 16th and 18th day of my cycle.  Well, on cycle day 14 my charting software confirmed that I had ovulated on day 11.  We only had sex on cycle days 7 and 12.  Needless to say, our timing was terrible.  Oh well, at least I could enjoy boozing it up in Japan.

My usual luteal phase is 13 to 14 days so I started to expect my period the week before we left for Japan.  We had just finished up a very busy and stressful time at work and I was feeling like crap.  At 14 days past ovulation my temperature was still high, but I brushed it off.  The morning of 16 days past ovulation, a Thursday, my temperature was still very high.  Five minutes later I was staring at a faint second line on a home pregnancy test.  There was a little life starting to grow in my womb, our sweet child.

Dave and I were working opposite shifts at this point and more often than not I had already left for work by the time he got home.  Somehow the stars aligned and he got home early.  I presented him with a small gift bag containing a onesie, a sappy card, and the pee stick (classy, I know).  It was an amazing moment.

Over the next two days I would take a HPT in the morning.  I continued to get a faint second line on the First Response test, but Clearblue digitals would pop up "Not Pregnant".  A sense of fear started to creep into my mind.  Why weren't the lines getting darker?  Was it just because of late implantation?  Is my HCG just too low at the moment to register on the digital?  Then on Saturday night I started to have light pink spotting.  By Sunday morning I was bleeding heavily.

A blood test on Tuesday showed my HCG at just over 15 after two days of heavy bleeding.  A level of HCG over 5 is considered pregnant.  We left for our honeymoon two days later.

November 20th 2012 should have been our little one's birthday.  Instead of writing this I should be on maternity leave.  It's hard to move forward, to look to the future and search for that bright spot.  As each month passes with no pregnancy I feel more and more like a failure.  This month not only marked my EDD, but also that a year had gone by since we started trying.  It's a hard pill to swallow.

About Me
Day 3: 10 favorite TV shows

  1. How I Met Your Mother
  2. Castle
  3. Bones
  4. Firefly
  5. Stargate
  6. Pushing Daisies
  7. Futurama
  8. NCIS
  9. Elementary
  10. Farscape

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