Gone too soon

It has taken me a while to gather my thoughts before writing this.  The thought of going back and reliving the memories of those few days is quite daunting.  One of my greatest flaws is to keep my emotions bottled up inside, to try and take care of the pain myself and not burden others.  It's stupid and just causes a complete meltdown, but I am getting better at opening up.  Anyway, let's get on with it.

We started our 4th cycle of trying to conceive in mid February.  This would be my last cycle before our honeymoon to Japan in March and we actually had a few conversations about taking the month off, but decided to just see what happened.  A week into my cycle both Dave and I got really sick so sex was out of the question.  It didn't seem like a big deal since I usually ovulated between the 16th and 18th day of my cycle.  Well, on cycle day 14 my charting software confirmed that I had ovulated on day 11.  We only had sex on cycle days 7 and 12.  Needless to say, our timing was terrible.  Oh well, at least I could enjoy boozing it up in Japan.

My usual luteal phase is 13 to 14 days so I started to expect my period the week before we left for Japan.  We had just finished up a very busy and stressful time at work and I was feeling like crap.  At 14 days past ovulation my temperature was still high, but I brushed it off.  The morning of 16 days past ovulation, a Thursday, my temperature was still very high.  Five minutes later I was staring at a faint second line on a home pregnancy test.  There was a little life starting to grow in my womb, our sweet child.

Dave and I were working opposite shifts at this point and more often than not I had already left for work by the time he got home.  Somehow the stars aligned and he got home early.  I presented him with a small gift bag containing a onesie, a sappy card, and the pee stick (classy, I know).  It was an amazing moment.

Over the next two days I would take a HPT in the morning.  I continued to get a faint second line on the First Response test, but Clearblue digitals would pop up "Not Pregnant".  A sense of fear started to creep into my mind.  Why weren't the lines getting darker?  Was it just because of late implantation?  Is my HCG just too low at the moment to register on the digital?  Then on Saturday night I started to have light pink spotting.  By Sunday morning I was bleeding heavily.

A blood test on Tuesday showed my HCG at just over 15 after two days of heavy bleeding.  A level of HCG over 5 is considered pregnant.  We left for our honeymoon two days later.

November 20th 2012 should have been our little one's birthday.  Instead of writing this I should be on maternity leave.  It's hard to move forward, to look to the future and search for that bright spot.  As each month passes with no pregnancy I feel more and more like a failure.  This month not only marked my EDD, but also that a year had gone by since we started trying.  It's a hard pill to swallow.


About Me
Day 3: 10 favorite TV shows

1. How I Met Your Mother
2. Castle
3. Bones
4. Firefly
5. Stargate
6. Pushing Daisies
7. Futurama
8. NCIS
9. Elementary
10. Farscape

~Meg      

Speed Bumps

The beginning of our TTC journey involved a few hurdles.  The first was a major problem we had struggled with for years, my inability to have intercourse.  Having sex was extremely painful, any time we tried penetration it would end in tears and frustration.  We found other ways to keep each other pleased, but the want to connect on that deeper level left me with feelings of inadequacy and shame.  Luckily, Dave is the most amazing and patient husband on the planet.  We took it slow and he never pushed me beyond my comfort zone.  Tackling the mental walls and fears I had built over the years was the hardest part, but by the fall of 2011 we had mostly overcome this major obstacle.  I still have pain from time to time in certain positions, but it is happening less and less.

The second hurdle, which was more of a fear, was my irregular periods.  Honestly, I wasn't even sure I ovulated.  Fortunately I discovered the wonderful world of charting and Fertility Friend.  By charting my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) every morning when I woke up it became obvious that I was in fact ovulating.

With those speed bumps passed, we enjoyed our first few months of unprotected sex.  There was very little pressure and we tried to keep it fun.  We knew that it could take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive, but hoped we would be lucky and see those two pink lines before the spring.  Sure we had our honeymoon to Japan in late March, but I had no problem laying off the booze if need be (I don't do seafood at all).  The idea of actually conceiving during our trip was the perfect dream.  Little did we know the storm that brewing ahead.

About Me
Day 2: 10 favorite movies

1. Labyrinth
2. The Avengers
3. WALL-E
4. Lord of the Rings trilogy
5. Serenity
6. Star Trek
7. Tangled
8. Star Wars IV through VI
9. Princess Bride
10. Stardust

Yes, I am a huge nerd :)

~Meg

 

Dipping a toe...

It's always been difficult to find the right words to start with.  Having to get up in front of a bunch of people, be they friends or strangers, has always caused me a fair amount of anxiety.  Writing a blog post should be simple, but I find myself struggling to find the right words.  Perhaps it is the subject that I plan to center my first few posts around has caused this apprehension; the want to keep a freshly healed wound hidden from the world rather than proudly show off the scar, the proof I survived. We'll keep this intro short, no need to drag on with the details.

My name is Meg and I wed the love of my life, Dave, a little over two years ago.  We have three wonderful kitties (Hikaru, Sakura, and Miria) who keep us constantly entertained.  In November 2011 we made the life changing decision to start trying to conceive our first child.  The first few blog posts will chronicle the past year, the triumphs and the heartaches, and bring you up to speed on my current state of mind.  It has always been easier to write out my feelings rather than say them out loud.  My hope is to free my heart and mind of the dark prison I've created around them, it is time to heal.

To keep this blog from being entirely depressing I've decided to try out one of the 30 day blog challenges.  

About Me

Day 1: 10 facts about yourself

1. 27 years old
2. Favorite colors are blue, purple, and teal
3. Hobby is making origami paper stars
4. Favorite season is summer
5. Used to have my nose pierced
6. Proud member of IATSE
7. Loves Tiramisu martinis
8. Cannot handle spicy food
9. Hates watching movies in the movie theater
10. Loves cat .gifs

Until next time,

Meg