Coming storm

I find myself starting to crack.  When it became obvious that we were benched for the cycle, with the added insult of pelvic rest, I decided to make the best of it and throw myself into other activities.  Perhaps it was the high of finally being able to do treatments and having the great follicle response to Clomid that gave me confidence.  This benched cycle would be nothing, just a small bump in the road to our rainbow.  It's now CD24 and the downhill portion of the IF roller coaster has started.  The doubts and fears are creeping in again.  What if 2013 isn't our year?

Some important dates are coming up and I'm scared to face them.  October 15th, the day before my birthday, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.  Last year it was too painful to do anything on that day.  I should have been 36 weeks pregnant and we were still in the closet about the miscarriage.  Still, I lit a candle in remembrance of our little bean and hoped our rainbow would be coming soon.  Then there is November 20th, my original due date.  This year our baby would have turned one.  It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept that in a different reality I would be planning a first birthday party instead of dreading hitting the two year mark since we started TTC with a still empty uterus.

I can't make time stand still or put off these painful days.  The world is moving forward at its usual pace and I need to move along with it.  Instead of laying down and succumbing to sadness it's time to stand up and face the day.  There will be sad times, times it feels like this was all for nothing, but as one of my favorite motivational quotes goes:

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life.  You just have to get there."