Level 1 cleared

Just after lunch I got the call from the nurse with my results.  I was so nervous, trying to ready myself for bad news.  When she said I could start the Clomid that night I almost cried.  She said that Dr. S wanted me to start taking a baby aspirin everyday as well.  My follow up ultrasound and blood work is scheduled for next Wednesday morning.  I'm happy they are doing it on CD9 in case I respond quickly again.  A short while later I got the call from Mandell's pharmacy to set up my customer profile.  They would have to run everything through insurance first, but I can hopefully pick up my Ovidrel (trigger shot) tomorrow.

I felt a little silly cutting the Clomid pill in half last night.  It's such a small pill already.  At least it was very easy to swallow with a big gulp of water.  No disgusting taste was left behind either.  The baby aspirin are orange chewables and are actually quite tasty.  No side effects so far, hoping I can get away symptom free this time.

One thing I am most excited about is being able to go back the gym.  I gained a few pounds during my exercise restrictions last month and I'm sick of my pants being tight.  My new goal is to not have to buy any new clothes until I'm in need of maternity sizes.    

Make or break

Surprisingly my period started on it's own Tuesday evening.  It's the usual wonky post-anovulatory cycle bleeding and has pretty much disappeared by this morning.  I got the 6:40 slot this morning so Dave and I were out the door very early.  Of course the office was locked up when we got there at 6:30, when they are supposed to open, but the nurse let us in around 6:35.  

The ultrasound was fairly quick.  The tech had no problem finding my right ovary this time.  The techs don't give results, but she wished me luck as I was leaving.  I'm hoping that is a good sign.  Having blood taken was its usual adventure.  Luckily the nurse is very familiar with my troll veins at this point and was able to get enough.  I won't know the results until this afternoon.  Should everything come back okay I'll start my meds tonight.

For this cycle I'll be taking 25mg Clomid for five days.  Dr. S wants to give this a try first since I responded so well follicle wise to the 50mg.  Should I have problems with cysts again then we will be moving on, most likely to injects.  This will also be our first IUI cycle which I'm very excited for.  To time the IUI correctly I will take a trigger shot when my follicle(s) is/are ready to go.  

If this cycle gets cancelled I will be a wreck.  Getting pregnant before November seems like such a long shot already.  If we were to be cancelled again it becomes pretty much impossible.  Of course my hopeful side is trying to be encouraging.  My birthday is in about three weeks, possibly near the end of a two week wait if I respond quickly again.  That's what I want for my birthday universe, to find out I'm pregnant with our rainbow baby.  Please make it happen.  Pretty please?  With sugar on top?    

Coming storm

I find myself starting to crack.  When it became obvious that we were benched for the cycle, with the added insult of pelvic rest, I decided to make the best of it and throw myself into other activities.  Perhaps it was the high of finally being able to do treatments and having the great follicle response to Clomid that gave me confidence.  This benched cycle would be nothing, just a small bump in the road to our rainbow.  It's now CD24 and the downhill portion of the IF roller coaster has started.  The doubts and fears are creeping in again.  What if 2013 isn't our year?

Some important dates are coming up and I'm scared to face them.  October 15th, the day before my birthday, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.  Last year it was too painful to do anything on that day.  I should have been 36 weeks pregnant and we were still in the closet about the miscarriage.  Still, I lit a candle in remembrance of our little bean and hoped our rainbow would be coming soon.  Then there is November 20th, my original due date.  This year our baby would have turned one.  It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept that in a different reality I would be planning a first birthday party instead of dreading hitting the two year mark since we started TTC with a still empty uterus.

I can't make time stand still or put off these painful days.  The world is moving forward at its usual pace and I need to move along with it.  Instead of laying down and succumbing to sadness it's time to stand up and face the day.  There will be sad times, times it feels like this was all for nothing, but as one of my favorite motivational quotes goes:

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life.  You just have to get there."

Just keep swimming

Sorry I've been MIA for a bit.  Being benched this cycle really brought my spirits down.  I hate being on activity restrictions and have definitely done quite a bit of moping.

Last we left off I had been told by Dr. S that my ovaries were enormous and we needed to have a discussion on how to move forward.  Two ultrasounds later my left ovary is back to normal.  Righty is still enlarged, but only about 3 times the size it should be.  I am on pelvic rest for the remainder of this cycle and still need to be careful with strenuous activity.  My next ultrasound will be next CD3.

The plan for next cycle, as long as my ovaries are okay, is to do 25mg Clomid with trigger and IUI.  Follicle-wise I responded beautifully to Clomid.  Dr. S believes that the Clomid just stays in my system for a longer time than normal which caused the cysts.  Hopefully going down to the half dose will correct that problem.  Due to my UU he's not ready to move onto injects yet, being very concerned about the risk of multiples.  He doesn't usually use Femara, but will keep it on the table should the Clomid fail.

So for now we are just waiting for my period to show up.  If my body decides to ovulate on its own this cycle then that should be happening any day now.  If not I will call on CD30 for Provera.

Being able to do more activity now, I've been motivated to get stuff done around the house. Since I can't obsess about TTC for a couple weeks, might as well put that crazy to good use.  This past weekend Dave and I scrubbed the floors in the guest bathroom, swept and cleaned the hardwood floors, got all the laundry into appropriate bins, vacuumed the area rugs, and hung the new wine rack/glass holder over the bar.

My project for next weekend is to fix up the front foyer.  My hope is to replace the old shelf unit, clean the tile, and maybe even paint.  I went to Lowes on Saturday to pick up some supplies (drywall anchors and a level) and spent a good twenty minutes in the paint swatch section.  Came home with about 30 swatches and picked out a new color scheme.  Our walls are a bright teal color at the moment, but I feel it's time to dull it down a bit.

Our foyer

 The only rooms we have painted since we moved in are the foyer, hallways, living room, dining room, and our bedroom.  All of the above are the same bright teal color except for our bedroom, that is a dark teal.  Our home has a somewhat open floor plan so it flows nicely to have all one color on those walls.    Since we'll be redoing the kitchen at some point this fall I'm taking it as initiative to fine tune our home color palette.  Below are the swatches that we've decided on for the moment.  The living/dining room color would extend to the front hallway.  We will not be repainting the master bedroom, but I included a close match to the color for reference.

The main color probably won't happen for a while or will happen a wall or two at a time.  The foyer will be very easy and the kitchen will be done during renovation.  The guest bathroom will be quick and I want to replace the old medicine and wall cabinets as well.  We're considering renovating the master bath as well so I'll hold off on painting that for now.

I'm very excited to have some new projects ready to go.  Keeping my mind occupied with tasks like this are helping me keep my sanity while on the bench.  Wine helps too.

Weighing the options

I saw Dr. S yesterday for an ultrasound.  He wanted to personally look at my ovaries and check my heart.  My heart rate was perfectly normal and I was not having any pains or trouble breathing.  During the ultrasound he pointed everything out on the screen.  My ovaries were enormous and he could not tell where one ended and the other began.  He did not find any fluid in the cavity so it could not be labeled OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome).  There was a small victory in that my lining was down to 8mm.

After the scan he gave me a sheet of strict instructions to follow.  It is basically slightly modified OHSS precautions.  Absolutely no intercourse/tampons/anything up the hoohah for at least a week, possibly two.  I'm not quite on bed rest, but need to stay off my feet as much as possible.  I cannot do any lifting, strenuous activity like exercising or dancing, or heavy housework.  If I have any abdominal pain, trouble breathing, problems urinating, or gain more than 3 pounds in 48 hours then I need to call in immediately.        

I go in tomorrow afternoon for another ultrasound and afterwards we'll discuss our plan moving forward.  We have the day off from work so Dave will be able to come as well.  Our options at this point are to try Clomid again at half the dosage or move on to injects.  Both plans have their risks.  With Clomid I could have the same response and my ovaries blow up.  With injects the risk of multiples increases greatly, which is something we want to avoid.

Clomid

Dave and I went out to dinner last night and talked about these possible plans.  I explained the risks each plan would entail.  After much discussion we decided to lean towards injects.  My body just does not react as it should and it seems foolish to try Clomid again.  Injects, while increasing the risk for multiples, usually do not have any side effects and is easier on the body overall.  There is also a lot more monitoring involved in case my ovaries go crazy again.

For now I am taking it easy and trying not to overdo it.  Hopefully my ovaries are shrinking and we'll get some good news tomorrow afternoon.  We're going out shopping tonight since I need a dress for a wedding on Sunday.  I'm so bloated that everything I own makes me look and feel like a whale.  Hopefully I'll find something nice and comfortable that doesn't make me look enormous.        

Oh, hello again bench

Our first medicated cycle was a bust.  My period showed up on Sunday and I felt pretty bummed.  I had hoped we would get lucky and be one and done with Clomid.  My CD3 blood work and ultrasound were scheduled for early this morning.

My period starting getting very heavy last night.  Being my first real period in a while my uterus was definitely doing some serious cleaning.  During the u/s this morning the tech (my favorite tech) said my lining was down to 9mm, the thinnest it has ever been.  Judging by how much I have been bleeding since then it's probably even lower now.  

Around 3 I get a call from the RE nurse with  my results.  The ultrasound showed I have two cysts, one on each ovary.  This is why monitoring is essential during Clomid cycles!  Dr. S wants to see me tomorrow morning to do another ultrasound.  Until then I am on pelvic rest and have to take it easy.  Our cycle is most likely cancelled and I may be taking birth control for a few weeks to help shrink the cysts. 

I am really disappointed.  Things were really starting to move along and our momentum has once again ground to a halt.  If you need me I'll be on the couch, drinking a bottle of wine, and playing FFXIV. 

Well then

It seems like things are leaning more towards BFN than BFP.  I had very light spotting yesterday, but didn't think much of it.  This morning it had turned into more consistent brown spotting.  When combined with my sour mood, increasingly sore bosoms, and feeling like I'm about to break down crying tells me that CD1 will be here soon.

This cycle was a long shot.  With the dominant follicle being on the wrong ovary our chances were slim.  It also would have been too perfect to get pregnant this cycle.  To have conceived our rainbow baby down in Baltimore, the place we met and got engaged, would have been too good a story.  We never seem lucky enough to get those perfect moments.

What does this mean for the future?  Next cycle will be a bit more intensive.  Not sure if they will keep me at the same dosage of Clomid, I did respond well at 50mg with three follicles.  On CD3 I will go in for a baseline u/s and b/w to make sure everything looks good.  Then CD3-7 I will take Clomid.  Since I surged so early last cycle they may want me to start coming in for follicle checks around CD9 again.  Hopefully I will produce a nice big follie on my left side this time.  Most ladies do a trigger shot during IUI cycles.  Once the follies mature a trigger shot forces your body to ovulate.  This way the IUI (intra-uterine insemination) can be timed properly.  The morning of the IUI Dave will provide a sperm sample.  The sperm will be washed then placed directly into my uterus via catheter.  Not sure if I will be put on progesterone after IUI since my numbers have always been good.

It's nice knowing we are getting a little more aggressive next cycle.  Of course I will be upset once CD1 gets here, but we know my body does respond to fertility meds.  For now I am just doing my best not to blow up at anyone who pisses me off today.