Dreaming

One of the many difficult aspects of IF to face is the feeling of isolation.  Your whole life seems to be surrounded by happy couples, easily conceiving beautiful children and waltzing through textbook pregnancies.  Yet there you sit all alone, feeling broken and insignificant.  You know other people deal with IF, you've sat near them in the RE waiting room avoiding eye contact.  Somehow you still feel terribly alone.

When we decided to start TTC I joined The Bump.  The board TTGP (Trying to Get Pregnant) was filled with knowledgeable ladies who weren't afraid to tell it like it is.  No puppies and rainbows to be found there, just snark and funny gifs.  I loved it.  It was hard to watch as most of the ladies got their BFPs and moved on.  Sometimes you can't help but feel left behind, wondering when it will be your turn.

When the time came to see the RE in January I moved over to the TTTC/3T (Trouble TTC) board.  Those ladies kept me sane as each test result came back with bad news.  Without them, the news of my UU probably would have sent me into a deep depression.  Instead I was lifted up by many others dealing with MAs and was able to talk to a few fellow UUers who had successful pregnancies.

A few weeks ago one of the 3Ters invited us to join a private Facebook group for those dealing with IF.  It is an awesome group and there are quite of few of us from New Jersey.  A get together was planned and last Friday the NJ Dreamers met at the Melting Pot.  Dinner was amazing, minus the dropped glass shattering all over M though we did get a lot of free stuff after that.  A second outing has already been planned that will involve our DHs.  

While IF is still a struggle, I don't feel alone anymore.  My phone is constantly blowing up with Dreamer's updates or crazy stickers from the NJ ladies and it always makes me smile.  

These past few weeks have been incredibly hectic.  Now things are starting to settle down and I'm enjoying being on the tail end of the 2WW.  By next week we should be celebrating a BFP or getting our protocol for our first IUI cycle.      

High hopes

Baltimore was amazing!  It was a much needed vacation with the bonus of spending time with great friends and making a few new ones.  The con was great, its amazing to see how much it has grown over the past seven years.  One of the highlights was seeing a concert by Yoko Kanno.  She is a very famous and talented composer whose credits include some of the most popular anime like Cowboy Bebop and Escaflowne.  At our wedding we used a lot of her music during the reception during band breaks as well as our first dance.  Our band actually learned her song I Recommend Instincts and it was absolutely amazing.  Being able to see her perform live was incredible.

On Tuesday I had blood taken to check progesterone.  That morning I took my temperature and it was well into my post ovulation range.  Since Clomid can mess with your BBT I didn't get too excited.  No call from the office on Tuesday so I decided to call Wednesday afternoon.  The receptionist said that they will only call with bad P4 results.  I guess that means I ovulated.  So I am somewhere in the 2WW, probably around 7DPO.  I have continued taking my temperature for fun and had a large dip yesterday and a decent spike back up this morning.  Trying to decide when to test, I guess if my temperature jumps up again in the next few days I'll take the chance.

Full circle?

Today was an early day for the Wolf clan.  After staying up a bit too late last night, trying to finish up packing for our trip to Baltimore tonight, we rolled out of bed at 6.  Dave dropped me off at Dr. S's office and went to get us breakfast.  There was barely anyone there today so I went back right away.  Taking blood wasn't too bad today, but she didn't get much before my vein rolled and disappeared.

I was a little disheartened when I saw who would be the u/s tech.  She is a squat woman with frizzy red hair and wears pale lipstick with very dark lip liner.  It's a very bizarre look, but she is generally nice.  The problem is that she always has trouble finding my right ovary.  I had to explain my UU, confirm that I do in fact have both ovaries, and confirm that my thick lining is okay.

The search for my wandering ovary was, yet again, awful.  After a few minutes of severe discomfort and pushing down on my abdomen she decided to pull out the regular u/s wand.  Using that she was finally able to find it quickly.  This might be TMI, but I found it to be incredibly weird/funny at the time.  While using the regular wand she left the dildo cam inside me.  All I could think about was "what if it falls out, will it just shatter all over the floor?".  Luckily it stayed put and she finished up a few minutes later. 

After lunch I got the call from one of my favorite nurses.  It seems like the sharp pains I felt around my right ovary was indeed growing pains.  My right ovary had two follicles measuring 15mm and 12mm.  Lefty also had a 12mm follie.  According to my b/w I should be ovulating very soon so it is go time tonight and tomorrow.

I was really worried about not responding well to Clomid.  I do wish the larger follicle was on the left ovary, but pregnancy stories of eggs traveling over to the other tube keep my spirits up.  As mentioned in a previous post, Baltimore is a very special place for Dave and me.  Conceiving our rainbow baby there would be a hell of a story.        

 

Weekend trips

One of the best things about having a normal person schedule is the ability to go on weekend trips.  If you’re lucky you can even make it a long weekend.  Our friends E & M got married over the weekend down in DC.  Dave and I were able to get Friday off so we headed down Thursday night.  It was an easy drive, though Dave was not a fan of the more organic roads in the city. 

On Friday we woke up early and headed to the National Zoo.  It was a beautiful space, very open with some of the most active animals we’ve ever seen at a zoo.  By the time we finished up it was starting to get a little crowded.  We left and headed downtown.  Finding parking was a bit of a nightmare, but we finally found a garage.  After grabbing a quick bite we walked down to the Smithsonians.  We hit up the Air and Space museum first.  Dave observed that there hadn’t been many updates since he visited in the 8^th grade.  The Natural History museum was our last stop.  Our feet were aching by that point, but we made our way through all of the exhibits.  We finished up the night by having dinner and drinks with Dave’s cousin K.

The wedding was Saturday night and it was a blast.  The ceremony was beautiful, the food was great, and it was an open bar.  The bar had an unfortunate “no shots” policy, which we got around by ordering Fireball whiskey neat in a small glass.  That stuff burns, but it tastes so good.  We all danced, drank, and made fools of ourselves.  It was a wonderful escape from the stress and anxiety that ruled my life the previous week.

Today is my last day of Clomid.  It has to be the worst tasting medication I’ve ever had.  It took two tries to swallow it last night and I had to rinse twice with mouthwash to get rid of the taste.  It seems I scraped by with only minimal side effects.  The first three nights I had terrible hot flashes.  Each morning I woke up drenched in sweat.  My period has gone down to dark brown spotting, hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow.

Wednesday is my follie check.  Since we are going away Wednesday night and will be down in Baltimore until Sunday night my u/s will be a little early.  They usually do them CD10-12, but mine will be on CD9.  Hopefully we’ll see some growth, preferably on my left ovary.     

It's happening

We are officially in our first medicated cycle.  The protocol is 50mg Clomid + TI (Timed Intercourse). 

After some disagreements with Dr. S about monitoring, something they are apparently quite lax with low dose Clomid + TI cycles, everything was worked out today and I take my first Clomid pill tonight.  Dave and I will be down in DC for a wedding tonight through Sunday.  Then we go down to Baltimore next week Wednesday night through Sunday.  I'll have a follicle scan on Wednesday morning.  It'll be a little early at CD9, but hopefully we'll see some development.

Things have really fallen into place.  Next week marks 7 years since Dave and I met and started dating.  It also marks 5 years since he proposed at the place we met in Baltimore.  Now we return to Baltimore for the first time since we started TTC and it falls during our first medicated cycle.  Good things have always happened to us in Baltimore, I hope we can look back at this as the year we conceived our rainbow baby.

FF giveth and taketh away.

Over the weekend my temp stayed down in the 96.8 range and FF took away my cross hairs.  So much for ovulating this cycle.  I've started cramping and had some red spotting last night so hopefully my period will show up soon.  If it showed up today or tomorrow the timing would work out to start Clomid this cycle!

We're heading down to DC on Thursday night for a wedding and coming back Sunday.  Then next week we head down to Baltimore on Wednesday night and come back late Sunday.  In a perfect world this Thursday would be CD 3/4 and next Wednesday would be CD 10/11.  On a Clomid cycle I'll need to have a CD3 u/s to check my ovaries for cysts.  After an all clear I would take the Clo from CD 3-7.  Then on CD 10ish I would have another u/s to check response.  I figure Dr. S will have us do TI (timed intercourse) since Dave's numbers are great, but don't know if we'll do a trigger shot.  

So much of infertility is just waiting.  We've done a lot of waiting the past 6 months and are finally one step away from moving forward.  Come on mini ute, let's get the timing right on this one!             

False hope, yet again

Want to see a really ugly chart with lying liar cross hairs?

Pretty awful right?  My temperature has been fluctuating like crazy, making me wonder if I have a new habit of mouth breathing at night.  I had been so excited at the possibility of a Provera reset leading to ovulation, but now I am just sad and disappointed.  

We are going away for extended weekend trips the first two weeks of August.  If my period were to start in a certain two to three day window we will not be able to do Clomid this cycle.  Honestly I see this ending after a round of Provera, hopefully putting CD 1 on or after August 12th.  

Looking at my work calendar today as I was setting up a timeline for our next project it struck me how much of the year is gone.  With a sense of dread in my stomach I realized how close November is.  Four months.  Our angel baby should be turning 1 year old this November.  I thought I would get pregnant again quickly, that I wouldn't have to deal with the EDD while still trying to conceive.  Instead we've gone through the EDD, anniversary of the BFP and loss, and now possibly the anniversary of the EDD.  

I try not to get jealous or resentful, other people deserve happiness and there are certainly people who are going through far worse than us.  I just want our rainbow baby.